• Uncategorized

    Writers block and personal failure

    I couldn’t seem to get any ideas for continuing my last book so I just started another. I seem to work on several projects at once and it works better for me that way. I don’t get as bored with one theme this way. Here it is, just one chapter so far, but I have been watching a lot of crime tv. A few documentaries on sex trafficking and some other true crime stories that I take some inspiration from. I also am going to try to finish up school. I feel the need to do something with my life. I feel like a failure. I am not in a…

  • Uncategorized

    Fragility and Self Care

    Recently, my husband was put in the hospital for something quite serious. He could have died, his heart rate was so low that he was put on watch. It was the scariest time of my life. I was there for him, but unfortunately, no one was really there for me. Maybe they didn’t realize the severity of the situation. Maybe they were busy. I don’t know the reason, but it made me realize that maybe I do too much when I am called on because it’s expected. I am always there for others, to the point that I sacrifice my own needs. The situation was not one I would do…

  • Uncategorized

    The Lack Of Real Mental Health Films

    I was browsing through streaming sites like Netflix and Hulu and noticed the lack of films made about mental health disorders. Sure, there are a lot of films about mental health in the sense of someone being crazy or wacko, but that’s mental health. It’s not anxiety attacks, suicidal depression, self injury or addiction. There’s not much out there on the real, life altering experiences on these things. I’ve seen quite a few, but they aren’t as impactful as I’d hoped because someone who has no idea what it’s like to suffer with this has written or directed it. It’s people making movies about what they think it’s about. It’s…

  • fanfic,  writing

    Writers Block

    Finally got a new story in the works. Life has been crazy and hectic. Anxiety and depression really getting me down and stopping me from doing…well, pretty much everything. I’ll try to update more, I really want to keep up this blog.   Here’s my newest story called Where Constellation Lives. Only got the first chapter up, but it’s a drama. Fiction story, some romance.

  • addiction,  living,  love,  mental health

    The Art of Letting Go

    I call it ART because it’s something we all are born with, but need a lot of practice and learning to do. We all have artistic ability in some form. Imagination through writing, painting, crafts, what have you…but some people are just better at it than others. Art is one of those things that only improves with time and by learning to improve our skills. I believe that letting go is the same way. When people say,”Just let it go”, it may seem like the easy thing to do, but we all know it’s not. When you’re holding onto something that embedded into your very spirit, it’s not so easy…

  • narcissist

    Underestimation

    Don’t underestimate me, you push, I push back, harder, stronger, faster I won’t back down and I won’t cower in a corner like everyone else I won’t believe your lies, your smile covering up the evil behind it I’m worth more than you are and I won’t cry the day you are judged and brought to your knees

  • living,  mental health,  secrets

    the direction of choices

    I’ve been asked a thousand times… “Do you want to die?”. Doctors, therapists, counselors, medical techs and a whole host of random medical professionals. My answer to them. “No.” But it’s not the truth. Well, sort of. I do want to die….but, I don’t. I don’t want to actually die by my own hand. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, my life, my future dreams, but the pain of anxiety and depression makes me want to die. I know..it sounds very contradictory. I get it. How can someone want to die, but yet not want to die? Isn’t it kind of like being “a little bit pregnant”?…

  • writing

    The Woes of Writing

    Writing anything is hard enough, but trying to put thoughts into a story the way I see them in my head is difficult. I typically start with a story and then build the beginning off of that, but then I tend to start new stories because the ideas I have won’t fit into the current story I have going. I guess that’s not only the woes of writing, but the woes of having a mental illness as a writer. My anxiety gets the better of me a lot of the time. I have so many ideas, but I struggle with trying to get them down on paper in a fashion…

  • addiction,  love

    jungle of madness

    carry me with you, through the jungle of madness don’t let me sink into the sand i know you are damaged, your limbs are broken and your back is weak your mind is all you need to make it through, but my heart is rotting flesh the insects are devouring my spirit, my mind is leaking out my ears my soul is fading away, my love is fading away carry me with you, through the jungle of madness don’t let me sink into the sand i’ll let you rest for a while i’ll let you hold my hand