love,  mental health,  secrets

all because of him

i don’t see the point in putting 100% of myself into another person

isn’t it just inevitable that you’ll get hurt?

i still feel this way, yet i am 100% in

it’s not about him, it’s about me

i was violated and ravaged violently by so many others and now, i don’t trust

i don’t trust myself

i don’t trust that my heart won’t turn on me

the moment the last hole in my heart finally heals, the scar tissue softens and my soul opens up, he’ll be gone

if i trust myself, i won’t have any protection

like a bullet proof vest that has just one weak seam, if you can’t trust what’s around you, you will lose what’s inside of you

i never gave up on anyone and i still won’t, it’s both a blessing and a curse

he doesn’t deserve me, he deserves so much better

he deserves someone who doesn’t yell, scream, cry, panic at the thought of him being gone

he doesn’t deserve my paranoia of losing him

that part of me will never change, so why is he still here?

why was he the only one who stayed?

what does he see that no one else did?

what does he see that don’t see?

i told him he deserves better, i told him to go and find someone who will treat him better and love him better, the way he deserves

he didn’t leave

he’s still here

his breathing so perfect and calm next to me

i want him to have more than me and he just wants me

he wants me despite the fact that others took what they wanted and threw me away

he got the broken pieces, the torn edges and the broken fibers of who i used to be

he always says he wants to fix it all, all the sadness

he puts me back together every time he looks at me, kisses me, wraps his arms so tightly around me

he’s fixing me everyday just by loving me as i am

i feel my edges smoothing, my cracks healing, my bruises fading

all because of him


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