I couldn’t seem to get any ideas for continuing my last book so I just started another. I seem to work on several projects at once and it works better for me that way. I don’t get as bored with one theme this way. Here it is, just one chapter so far, but I have been watching a lot of crime tv. A few documentaries on sex trafficking and some other true crime stories that I take some inspiration from.
I also am going to try to finish up school. I feel the need to do something with my life. I feel like a failure. I am not in a place to completely start over with school or a career, but I feel like if I had something to say I was educated, then maybe I would feel better about myself somehow. I would feel a bit more successful.
I do feel very broken, not only mentally but physically since I can’t do the one thing a woman can do that a man cannot, have a baby. I know kids aren’t supposed to be the end all and be all of a woman’s existence, but I wonder sometimes if not being able to conceive is my punishment for past mistakes and how I used to never want kids. It’s like now that I want to have a baby, I’m getting my share of emotional karma, which I have had more than enough of.