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When my mental illness makes me feel abandoned
Abandonment My mental illness makes me feel abandoned by old friends. I have friends, I guess, but when I see them having fun without me, I feel so hurt. I have to believe it’s nothing personal, but I understand it’s hard to be around someone who isn’t always smiling, talking or having a few cocktails. My mental illness tells me that they don’t want to be my friend anymore. My mind tells me I am worthless of friendship. That the people they hang out with are probably more fun, spontaneous and energetic. Maybe those people are better friends. Maybe those people don’t cancel plans or feel anxious all the time.…
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a little piece of dysfunctional
newest
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Reflecting and Keeping The Motto True
I was thinking about my loneliness today and how after I moved away and then moved back, I lost pretty much all of my friends back home. I don’t have a car, so I can’t get to meetings and I know that would help with my lonely feelings. I even reached out to several old friends from the program and none of them really seemed too eager to help me out yet I learned from the program that “When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.” It was written for the 1965 A.A. So why can’t I…
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Writers block and personal failure
I couldn’t seem to get any ideas for continuing my last book so I just started another. I seem to work on several projects at once and it works better for me that way. I don’t get as bored with one theme this way. Here it is, just one chapter so far, but I have been watching a lot of crime tv. A few documentaries on sex trafficking and some other true crime stories that I take some inspiration from. I also am going to try to finish up school. I feel the need to do something with my life. I feel like a failure. I am not in a…
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Fragility and Self Care
Recently, my husband was put in the hospital for something quite serious. He could have died, his heart rate was so low that he was put on watch. It was the scariest time of my life. I was there for him, but unfortunately, no one was really there for me. Maybe they didn’t realize the severity of the situation. Maybe they were busy. I don’t know the reason, but it made me realize that maybe I do too much when I am called on because it’s expected. I am always there for others, to the point that I sacrifice my own needs. The situation was not one I would do…
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The Lack Of Real Mental Health Films
I was browsing through streaming sites like Netflix and Hulu and noticed the lack of films made about mental health disorders. Sure, there are a lot of films about mental health in the sense of someone being crazy or wacko, but that’s mental health. It’s not anxiety attacks, suicidal depression, self injury or addiction. There’s not much out there on the real, life altering experiences on these things. I’ve seen quite a few, but they aren’t as impactful as I’d hoped because someone who has no idea what it’s like to suffer with this has written or directed it. It’s people making movies about what they think it’s about. It’s…
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Writers Block
Finally got a new story in the works. Life has been crazy and hectic. Anxiety and depression really getting me down and stopping me from doing…well, pretty much everything. I’ll try to update more, I really want to keep up this blog. Here’s my newest story called Where Constellation Lives. Only got the first chapter up, but it’s a drama. Fiction story, some romance.
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Time flies
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The Art of Letting Go
I call it ART because it’s something we all are born with, but need a lot of practice and learning to do. We all have artistic ability in some form. Imagination through writing, painting, crafts, what have you…but some people are just better at it than others. Art is one of those things that only improves with time and by learning to improve our skills. I believe that letting go is the same way. When people say,”Just let it go”, it may seem like the easy thing to do, but we all know it’s not. When you’re holding onto something that embedded into your very spirit, it’s not so easy…
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Choose Your Story
You choose your story. You write it how you want it go and as you go along, you learn how it plays out. Those who choose to read it, are the ones you let in. The ones who don’t, don’t deserve to read it anyway.
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Underestimation
Don’t underestimate me, you push, I push back, harder, stronger, faster I won’t back down and I won’t cower in a corner like everyone else I won’t believe your lies, your smile covering up the evil behind it I’m worth more than you are and I won’t cry the day you are judged and brought to your knees
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dead lands
