• love,  mental health,  secrets

    all because of him

    i don’t see the point in putting 100% of myself into another person isn’t it just inevitable that you’ll get hurt? i still feel this way, yet i am 100% in it’s not about him, it’s about me i was violated and ravaged violently by so many others and now, i don’t trust i don’t trust myself i don’t trust that my heart won’t turn on me the moment the last hole in my heart finally heals, the scar tissue softens and my soul opens up, he’ll be gone if i trust myself, i won’t have any protection like a bullet proof vest that has just one weak seam, if…

  • living,  mental health,  secrets

    the direction of choices

    I’ve been asked a thousand times… “Do you want to die?”. Doctors, therapists, counselors, medical techs and a whole host of random medical professionals. My answer to them. “No.” But it’s not the truth. Well, sort of. I do want to die….but, I don’t. I don’t want to actually die by my own hand. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, my life, my future dreams, but the pain of anxiety and depression makes me want to die. I know..it sounds very contradictory. I get it. How can someone want to die, but yet not want to die? Isn’t it kind of like being “a little bit pregnant”?…